92 days

I was grabbing coffee with two friends yesterday and the subject of boys came up. We were talking about how often when distance occurs for a long period of time it can be hard to keep the spark. Even more than the spark, often, we all found, you begin to see flaws you didn't see in that person, you begin to remember moments differently - you begin, to almost, dislike them. Which is ironic and awful and terrible because in the beginning, you had true feelings for them. Such is life.

Then, today, I was being nostalgic and thinking about you, my boy. As always. If my plan goes through I would like to "lease" you once you are home from winter pasture. You are home in 92 days. Distance has not made me think any less of you. In fact, it makes me miss all your quirks and issues even more. Distance has caused me to spend endless hours on forums, and reading articles, and looking up training tools and techniques that may aid in you becoming the horse I dream of you being. Distance has caused me to buy you things, things you don't really need, and plan to buy you more things, again - items that are probably much too expensive, and realistically very silly, and the fact is I don't even own you.

But I love you. So, I rationalize.

If anything, distance has made me entirely crazy, but it has also made me love you more.

& with all this distance, and planning, and thinking of you, I come to really worry about my plans. I worry in an almost obsessive manner, and it has made me tired. Distance has been very hard indeed, but I don't love you any less than I did the last day I saw you.

Dreams about you

I dreamt last night that we were reunited, and it was summer again. I dreamt that you were in a large, open field with the rest of the herd, and you came right up to me and I wrapped my arms around you and laid my face in your mane and you rested your chin on my back like we've done so many times together. I remember looking at S and saying, "See! I told you he'd remember me" and laughing so happily as the three of us walked back to the barn together, you never missing a step, following us the whole way there. I continued dreaming, and throughout the dream I was reluctant to ride you, I was nervous, I was panicking because I had forgotten your bridle, I felt like I was disappointing people and in the end something happened, I can't quite remember what, but people were trying to take you away from me. I woke up with my heart completely aching for you, for your smell, for everything that comes with you. I couldn't shake you all day, you were just there, with me. If that makes sense.

 I love you, and I often think to myself that we were thrown together, and that another rider would suit you much better. I think this dream has a lot to do with my insecurities lately, and the fact that another rider could have taught you so much more this summer. I often wonder what horse you would be if I wasn't the one you were stuck with, if I wasn't the one fumbling around on you, ... if i knew what i was doing.  I sometimes lose myself in dreaming about spending time, just you and I, no rush, no one watching us, just... figuring stuff out. Just me, you, an arena and a snaffle bit. No stress, no time restrictions, nothing but you and I. 

But, you know what? I love you. There is just something between us, that when I'm with you, when I'm spending that extra 20 minutes grooming you when I should realistically be doing something else, when I'm working you in the round pen, when we click, and everything falls into place, that's just perfect. "He just follows her around like a goddamn puppy, you can tell he loves her when he looks at her." I hope one day, even with all my big lofty horse aspirations, I can still call you mine. You don't have to be a performance horse, or a perfect horse, but i'd like for you to be my horse.

I'm such a lame horse girl, but after my dream last night I've been thinking about my baby paint boy, Jingle, all day, and I just can't shake it. I think it also has a lot to do with how stressed I am with school right now (hence the lack of blog posts) and how much I'd like to saddle up and just .. get away from all the stress of life right now. Anyways, I had to write it out, so that I could get it off my chest. So, there ya go, a letter from a girl to her horse.